One Question Wednesday
When my son was in 1st grade he became friendly with a boy. It wasn’t long before my family became friendly with the boy’s family and we’ve had some really great times together. They are fun to be around. Very gracious. And I have become almost a 4th sister to the wife and her sisters. However, (because you knew this sounded too good to be true) the boys began to butt heads.
The boy is a little bit of a bully and there have been times where I have had to bribe my son to go to the family’s house with us for a party or barbeque. There have been quite a few incidents and it put me in a really tough spot.
I asked a few other girlfriends what I should do. Confront the mom about her son being a bully? Back off from the friendship? Being the complete wuss that I am, because there’s no way I could handle telling someone that their son is “mean”, I ended up backing off. And it does make me sad, because my husband and I had great times with them.
Today I was talking to another mom who has become friendly with that family as well. Oddly enough she started talking about the trouble she was having between her own daughter and the friend’s son. Only she handled it differently. She confronted the mom of the boy. (Kudos to her. She is a better woman than I.) She also told me that I should have spoken up. That the mom needs to know her son is having issues in getting along with other children.
So my question to you? Would you have spoken to the mom? And if so, what would you have said?
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I definitely would try to find a tactful way to approach this other mother!
Followed you here from MBC. Congrats on your 100…glad I found you before you disappeared from the group!
[Reply]
Nancy
@ifevolution on twitter.
Replied on : September 29th, 2009 at 10:34 PM
Thanks Ronnie!! Glad you found me too!
I just don’t get how you can be tactful when you’re telling someone about problems with their son. Ugh.
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@Kristin_OPC on twitter.
said:
Nancy,
Funny that you ask. I’ve run into that a couple of times. On both sides. The Boy has a friend who can be a bully and The Girl can be a bully. I often wish more people would tell me when The Girl is having one of her “shining moments” so I can call her out on it when it’s still fresh. It is very difficult for her to understand once she has been separated from the issue. As for The Boy, he’s gotten pretty good at confronting “bully” friends on his own, to both the kid and the parent. He’s learned to use tact and specific examples of when his boundaries were being over-stepped. I think it is an extremely valuable communication tool that will help him to handle confrontation situations as he grows older.
.-= That One Mom´s last blog ..You Love Me, You Really Love Me!!! (Or At Least Michele Does…) =-.
[Reply]
@BrilliantSulk on twitter.
said:
If you truly are good friends then I would certainly speak up! She may not know how much her son is bothering other children.
I would want to know if my daughter was giving another child a hard time. It’s never a nice conversation to have. Good luck!
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..My Head. It’s So Empty =-.
[Reply]
Nancy
@ifevolution on twitter.
Replied on : September 30th, 2009 at 7:26 AM
This has totally been my problem. WHAT to say? I realized last night that this isn’t the first time I’ve written about this problem. I am really at a loss when it comes to confrontations like thia.
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You know I’m sure I would have done the same thing you did. I don’t know if it’s good or bad but telling people their kids are problems isn’t something I would relish doing.
.-= blueviolet´s last blog ..What’s Your Favorite Food? – W/W Wednesday =-.
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I’d try to gently approach the other mom, but not at the same time as the first mother – otherwise she’d feel as though you were ganging up on her… but you have to talk to the mom and teach the kids some strategies for coping, too.
.-= KathyB!´s last blog ..No good deed goes unpunished =-.
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@beths_confusion on twitter.
said:
I think I would have done what KathyB! suggested. It is a balance because you don’t want it to blow up but at the same time it really does need to be addressed. If a child IS bullying then there is often major self-esteem issues & it can lead to a higher rate of depression later (same goes for the child BEING bullied).
.-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Picked Apples =-.
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@goodgirlgonered on twitter.
said:
I am sure it is difficult, but I would definitely try to let the mom know what’s going on. You’d be doing her a favor, and worst case scenario she gets angry with you and what happens, you lose the friendship? But you’re already backing away from it to spare your child, ya know? As for what to say, never place blame, just say it seems like so-and-so is struggling, etc. and I’d like to talk about it … or something like that! Easy for me to say since I’m not in the situation, right?
JM10C on the matter.
.-= Andrea´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday! =-.
[Reply]
Nancy
@ifevolution on twitter.
Replied on : September 30th, 2009 at 8:34 PM
Much appreciated. I’m dreading saying something.
[Reply]
@orangepeelings on twitter.
said:
I actually am in kind of the same situation…my best friend’s daughter and my son used to be good friends and now that the daughter has started real school, she has new friends and they’re always mean to my son.
I can’t say anything because I don’t want to lose our friendship, but I’ve found myself avoiding situations where our kids will be together. Argh. I’m not good with things like that…and I know her well enough to know that, even if it’s true, she’s not going to take kindly to criticism of her daughter. Even if it’s approached well.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..My Conversation with Anthony Edwards! Yes, THAT Anthony Edwards! =-.
[Reply]
Nancy
@ifevolution on twitter.
Replied on : September 30th, 2009 at 8:36 PM
I feel for you, seriously. It’s an awful situation to be in. I hope you do better with it than I am. Saw her tonight and ouldn’t seem to say anything to her about it.
[Reply]
Ditto Kathy B! While it is important to tactfully and kindly mention your concerns to this other mom…..it’s equally as important to equip our children with coping skills.
I know you will be fine! You have a way with words…..:)
.-= *Michelle*´s last blog ..Look but don’t touch….. =-.
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We’ve run into the very same issue with friends of our, too. Only the parents were very aware of how bullying their child was. It was a tough situation. Especially since our daughter didn’t want to go visit them in fear of the child being mean. I think that if the parents were not actively correcting their child and aware of their behavior, I would say something. But then again I can be a wuss, and may keep my mouth shut.
.-= Momisodes´s last blog ..14 down, 26 to go =-.
[Reply]
Nancy
@ifevolution on twitter.
Replied on : September 30th, 2009 at 8:38 PM
Sounds like my friend. She has been told her son is a bully. The school has even called her with a couple of issues. Should make it easier to say SOMETHING since it’s not the first time they’ve heard about it. But still. WUSS.
[Reply]
Oh I would certainly have said something! I’m not big on confrontation even for the simplest things. I would have just mentioned it in passing and said something like “so how do you think we should handle these two kids??”
I awarded you a little blog award!
http://beforethebabywakes.blogspot.com/2009/09/bloggy-award.html
.-= Alexandria´s last blog ..Bloggy Award! =-.
[Reply]
Nancy
@ifevolution on twitter.
Replied on : September 30th, 2009 at 8:50 PM
ooh…that’s a good way to start the conversation! Thanks!!
[Reply]
@AmyatGITR on twitter.
said:
Oh I am so glad that I don’t have to deal with this for a while. I’ll be interested to learn how you choose to deal with this situation.
.-= amie´s last blog ..Magic Boobs =-.
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I would definitely talk to the mom. If you’re friends with them, it could affect your relationship, too. I would want to know if my daughter was difficult to get along with, and would want to correct misbehavior on her part.
.-= LZ @ My Messy Paradise´s last blog ..Dear Closet, Why do you hate me? =-.
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I tried to preserve one friendship and asked if we could agree on how hitting would be addressed in the future(after one pounding too many). Meaning, I claim the right to confront the situation and am happy to do so in any way needed. But I will not allow it to go unchecked. Because both children are learning something in that moment about themselves and their parent if it is tolerated. I presented this suggestion in an email to once dear friend and the communication dwindled with no acknowledgment for my inquiry. People don’t want to be forced to “handle” things. With others who were more play date people than friends, we were no longer available. For the record, my son is unusually placid and does not exhibit any impulsive behavior EVER, to date. So, he has always been the hittee and the one who has toys removed from him.
.-= magda´s last blog ..Come on, Tori =-.
[Reply]
@trinmom on twitter.
said:
Phew – that’s a tough one. I think I would probably stop and speak to the child himself on the grounds of it being pretty serious. And then make sure to – with humour – tell the mother about it later on showing that I fully expect that we will be united in this. And if it was a problem, I would also kind of drift away.
But I am fiercely protective of my children, which comes with its own unique set of problems.
I think the action has to be something that is palatable to you if the tables were turned…
.-= Mom of Three´s last blog ..A Mother’s Gift =-.
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You have a great site… I am so glad that I found you! I would say that you need to confront this other mother. I will also say that when children, mine or other peoples, act in a bad way and I see it I correct them. I remind them that this is not the way the real world works.
On another note I think that children need to work some things out on their own. I would say that it depends on what you mean by bully. I know that 9 year old girls all seem to be bullies and I always have them work it out. I think I need more information!
Becca
Please visit me at http://www.askbecca.com
.-= Becca´s last blog ..The Wizard of Oz: Celebrating 70 Years =-.
[Reply]
Nancy
@ifevolution on twitter.
Replied on : September 30th, 2009 at 10:49 PM
Thanks Becca! Visiting your blog too after I say thanks for your thoughts. He’s a bully in the sense that he thinks nothing of calling people names like Gay, Lesbian, fags. He will get other kids to gang up on leaving another child out of something. I think it’s pretty typical bully behaviours when you are 9.
I think it comes from insecurity, and in part I think that his parents could do a lot more to help him with that. However I don’t think they see how insecure he is.
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That is a good friggin’ question! You should always follow your gut. If you did not feel comfortable bringing it up then why do it? To prove to yourself that you can? I think it depends on the relationship you have with the parents and the kind of person that you are.
.-= Unknown Mami´s last blog ..Guilt Trip =-.
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Being as non confrontational as I am – likely would have just slowly backed out of the relationship. I have done this with a friend and now her and I just go out for coffee – kids rarely if ever see each other.
If she asked me out right I would tell her something like “the kids seem to have a lot of conflicts when they are together” or something like that…but I think she knows and likely thinks it’s my kids who are creating the problem, yet they don’t have those problems with any other kids…
tricky…
.-= Shanta @ Natural Mom Loves Prada´s last blog ..anonymous =-.
[Reply]
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