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I’m Not Advocating Illegal Things

9 January 2010 41 Comments

I deserved a ticket. I know I did…..but I lucked out. 

I was driving along a not-so-major highway this morning and (I know, I know) texting with my dad who was at my son’s basketball game so that I could hit a yoga class this morning. I exit the highway and see a cop in my rear view mirror. Not a single clue at how long he’s been following me because, yes, I was texting.

The dreaded lights were turned on and I pulled right over. And I put my phone down (face down) on the far side of the passenger seat.  Got my registration out of my glove compartment (Why the heck is it called that anyway? Who puts gloves in there?) and rolled down my window.

Me: I’m sorry, did I not stop at a stop sign?

Officer: There was no stop sign. You were texting or something.

And then it happened. I lost it. My mouth had the runs and I couldn’t stop myself. I turned to a complete shaking, totally female, babbling mess. 

Me: I’m so sorry. My husband is away. I needed a break. My dad took my son to his basketball game that ends in 10 minutes so that I could go to a yoga class. Then I have to take him to another game at another school that starts in an hour. My phone beeped and I wanted to see why. I’m a complete frazzled mess. I’ve never gotten a ticket and I’m shaking. I know I’m 10 days overdue for my car inspection, but I needed to get my breaks fixed first and my son was on vacation.

And I look at him. The poor guy’s mouth is hanging open. He’s just staring at me and is probably thinking I should either kick the caffeine habit or find myself some Xanax.

Officer:  Uh. Listen, I’ll give you a break this time. From now on, no texting.

So the very nice, verbally assaulted police officer let me go on my merry way. And as I’m driving off I am thinking to myself:

  1. I actually had my seat belt on, which is pretty much a 50/50 shot for me.
  2. I had my phone on silent mode, so fortunately he didn’t hear my phone beeping with the 3 texts I had received during this fiasco. I am thinking that he was forced to buy my story of hearing a beep out of no where, because he didn’t hear any other sounds during my 5 minutes of verbal puking.
  3. I had worn a thong to Yoga. When it became painfully uncomfy to wear, I snuck into the ladies room at the gym and stuffed it in my purse. When I put away my wallet after showing my license to this poor guy, I noticed the thong was sticking out of my bag.  

It gets worse though. I’m a completely arrogant ass. Once I was out of his line of view, I called my dad and talked to him ON my cell phone WHILE driving. Of course I have an excuse for this. I was running late because I got pulled over for texting.

I need a 12 step cell phone program, because this is really nothing to be proud of. Cell phones and driving really don’t mix.

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41 Comments. Click to leave one of your own!

  • January 9 2010 at 9:13 PM Maven
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    I know I shouldn’t be laughing but… Bwa ha ha ha ha!!! You killed me with the thing!
    .-= Maven´s last blog ..Nothing says "F*ck You" Better Than A Closet Full of Manolos =-.

    [Reply]

  • January 9 2010 at 9:13 PM Maven
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    Damn! I menat “thong”

    [Reply]

  • January 9 2010 at 9:13 PM Maven
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    And meant. I need help…
    .-= Maven´s last blog ..Nothing says "F*ck You" Better Than A Closet Full of Manolos =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : January 11th, 2010 at 10:20 PM

    I’m the queen of typos. Come join me in my kingdom!

    [Reply]

  • January 9 2010 at 9:47 PM Lee the Hot Flash Queen said:

    So, I text at red lights…the problem is they always turn green while I am still texting..so what can I do?? I gotta finish what I start!!
    .-= Lee the Hot Flash Queen´s last blog ..Conversations – Part IV =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : January 11th, 2010 at 10:20 PM

    Today, I thought of you. I waited till a red light to look at my phone :)

    [Reply]

    Lee the Hot Flash Queen


    Replied on : January 11th, 2010 at 11:46 PM

    LOL!! Now, I LOOK At green, just don’t text..well, not always.
    .-= Lee the Hot Flash Queen´s last blog ..Sex Change =-.

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  • January 9 2010 at 9:56 PM Nancy Campbell said:

    Oh, honey. Those cell phones are diabolical. And the thong? Icing on the cake.

    Laughing only because I would (and have) done the same thing…
    .-= Nancy Campbell´s last blog ..Easy Peasy =-.

    [Reply]

  • January 9 2010 at 10:15 PM noelle said:

    thank you! i laughed my ass off…not AT you, of course. WITH you. yeah, that’s it. WITH you.
    .-= noelle´s last blog ..fragment friday =-.

    [Reply]

  • January 10 2010 at 11:55 AM Mom of Three
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    Nancy, Nancy, Nancy… (shakes head) You’re a character! Lol. The thong is hysterical.

    But seriously – texting and driving? You gotta stop. There are other dumb drivers out there ya know? You wanna have all senses available if they’re sharing the road with ya.

    Plus – 9-yr old isn’t gonna be 9 forever. You’re gonna do it in front of him, and he’s gonna do it himself at 17.

    [Reply]

  • January 10 2010 at 11:55 AM Mom of Three
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    PS Iloveyou. ;-)

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : January 12th, 2010 at 8:11 PM

    I love you too! And I am being really good about ignoring my phone in the car!

    [Reply]

  • January 10 2010 at 3:20 PM existentialwaitress said:

    LOL – the thong really IS the icing on the cake! And you got out of the ticket too – whoo hoo! I didn’t get out of my last one and that still sticks in my craw. And I like how you started using your cell phone as soon as you were out of view of the cop (I love being able to stick it to the man).
    .-= existentialwaitress´s last blog ..Just another day here at the Cleaver house… =-.

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  • January 10 2010 at 4:16 PM jingle said:

    great humor,
    smart thinking.

    have a smiling Sunday!
    .-= jingle´s last blog ..Listen To Wisdom of Sages =-.

    [Reply]

  • January 10 2010 at 4:38 PM Andrea
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    TSK TSK. You do need some help. ;)

    But man, that is a funny story. Imagine if you had tossed the thong at him while taking out your license? hee hee. Now THAT would have been hilarious!
    .-= Andrea´s last blog ..How is it that … =-.

    [Reply]

  • January 10 2010 at 4:50 PM blueviolet said:

    You learned nothing from that! You’re naughty through and through! ;)
    .-= blueviolet´s last blog ..Please Nicole, I Need You to Stop =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : January 12th, 2010 at 8:18 PM

    I’m being way better! I’m learning!

    [Reply]

  • January 10 2010 at 5:48 PM susan said:

    I am an incompetent texter (and my new smart phone makes me feel stupid)so I can’t do this in the car. Besides, I now need a rather unattractive pair of half glasses just to see the text, and I never remember to put them in my purse. Why am I running on and on like this? Time to get off the computer!
    .-= susan´s last blog .."Laugh, and the world laughs with you…" =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : January 12th, 2010 at 8:20 PM

    Practice texting :)

    [Reply]

  • January 10 2010 at 6:40 PM corrie
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    I know, I’ve threatened my son with death, but find myself doing the same thing. Shhh. I need to stop!!!! Me, a former automobile insurance claims adjuster.
    .-= corrie´s last blog ..Sunday’s in My City =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : January 12th, 2010 at 8:24 PM

    Now that made me laugh.

    [Reply]

  • January 10 2010 at 8:21 PM sara@ domestically challenged said:

    Oh my! I did get a laugh from this! So me in a sense…to close a sense!
    .-= sara@ domestically challenged´s last blog ..Honestly =-.

    [Reply]

  • January 10 2010 at 8:39 PM Stephanie said:

    This is too funny. I know its not supposed to be but it is really funny. I myself need a talk and type on my iphone cause it never fails that the texts start rolling in the minute I start the car.
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Heading down the path… =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : January 12th, 2010 at 8:29 PM

    If you find a good app for it, let me know!

    [Reply]

  • January 10 2010 at 8:41 PM Stephanie said:

    BTW great blog I’m folloing from MBC.
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Heading down the path… =-.

    [Reply]

  • January 10 2010 at 11:59 PM Unknown Mami said:

    I try not to judge Nancy, but I am shaking my head in disapproval.
    .-= Unknown Mami´s last blog ..Sundays In My City =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : January 12th, 2010 at 8:32 PM

    Thanks for the intervention :)

    [Reply]

  • January 11 2010 at 2:29 AM Michelle said:

    You need a bluetooth. My husband laughs at me because I put people on loud speaker while I am driving, but I am still practically holding the phone up to my ear. Guilty…
    .-= Michelle´s last blog ..Our (aka My Husband’s) DIY Project: Our Daughters’ Deluxe Playhouse =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : January 12th, 2010 at 8:33 PM

    The problem with the bluetooth is that 1) I can never find it and 2)It’s never charged up. :(

    [Reply]

  • January 11 2010 at 3:48 AM Michele said:

    I shouldn’t be laughing either, but the “thong” made me spew coffee on my computer screen!!

    Classic!!!
    .-= Michele´s last blog ..Mars or Bust =-.

    [Reply]

  • January 11 2010 at 9:00 AM Ronnie said:

    Too funny! I must admit that I too have texted while driving. You’re not alone!!

    [Reply]

  • January 11 2010 at 2:55 PM lisleman said:

    Unknown Mami sent me over for some intervention.
    Put the phone down and back away slowly.
    Really we all need to slow down. The absolute worst way to slow down is crawling out of a smashed car.

    We’re not perfect, accidents will happen, but really you should stop and think about what’s important making yoga or just seeing the sun rise tomorrow with your family. I guess I’m sounding like a lecture and I really did find your post funny (thong part – the best – what nobody wears thongs to yoga?)

    Seriously – nobody wants to get hurt over a text.
    I just posted about this problem and that’s why unknown m sent me here.
    good post – thanks
    .-= lisleman´s last blog ..distracted minds =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : January 12th, 2010 at 8:41 PM

    12 step program for me. I swear!

    [Reply]

  • January 11 2010 at 5:51 PM kys said:

    You have an iPhone, right? How in the heck can you text on that thing and drive? I can’t text on my smartphone when I’m sitting still and completely sober. Hate the keyboard.

    PS There is some app for iPhones that has voice recognition. You might not get caught that way.
    .-= kys´s last blog ..Next Time I’ll Go To Kokomo…..ALONE =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : January 12th, 2010 at 8:42 PM

    I’ve gotta find that app!!

    [Reply]

  • January 11 2010 at 8:55 PM Jane said:

    I certainly don’t advocate what you did but it sure made for some entertaining post material!
    .-= Jane´s last blog ..Beware The Attack Of The Joy Suckers =-.

    [Reply]

  • January 12 2010 at 2:00 AM submom
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    The thong totally did it if you ask me. ;-)

    And you got out of a ticket without resorting to crying. I am impressed. LOL
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Forget about WTF Wednesday… =-.

    [Reply]

  • January 12 2010 at 6:01 AM pixielation
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    It’s funny that you got out of it (and how), but still that little voice inside my head is shouting that you cannot text while driving. It only takes a second for a child to run out into the road, and you just can’t take it back. Real life doesn’t have auto correct.
    .-= pixielation´s last blog ..Teddy Bears – like currency, only furrier =-.

    [Reply]

  • January 13 2010 at 10:34 PM Naomi said:

    Thong th thong thong thong!! Have you heard that song? Of course you have. It’s stuck in my head now, thanks to you. I died laughing during this post and peed my pants a little and no–I wasn’t wearing a thong. I was wear full coverage granny panties, possibly velour, and my enormous ass had eaten halfway through them. So I guess they might look a little thongish, that is if you consider velour granny panties 6 sizes too small that are currently being eaten by my ass thongish? Hmmmm…I’ll get back to you on that one.

    [Reply]

  • January 14 2010 at 8:45 AM 'manda said:

    I lost your site again a while ago and I was so excited when I saw you scroll on another blogs blog roll! This time, I signed up for your emails and I grabbed your button (you can grab mine too if you want to :) Your’s is definetly one of my favorite blogs so I’m gonna try not to lose ya again. I don’t see how you can text and drive – I can’t even talk on my phone when I’m driving.
    .-= ‘manda´s last blog ..I Won a New Bloggy Award – The "You’re an Angel Award" =-.

    [Reply]

  • January 18 2010 at 10:55 PM NathanRising said:

    The thong sticking out of your purse is freaking HILARIOUS!!! LOL!!

    I’m a blubbering fool when I get pulled over (which is not very often.) I start shaking, stammering, and sometimes I even cry. And it’s NOT on purpose!!

    -Jen
    .-= NathanRising´s last blog ..Yet Another Shower Mishap =-.

    [Reply]

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