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I Worry

19 September 2009 18 Comments

bildeI can’t help it. I’m a mom….

Many of my friends have children that are older than mine.  There are two really common issues I hear them dealing with.  Grades. Drugs. And I worry.  I will be in their shoes too, someday.

The other night I went to dinner with a good friend of mine. He has a 16 year old son and he is dealing with both problems.  His son, a junior in high school can’t comprehend why good grades are important.  The boy doesn’t grasp that it’s not only important to get that A in the subjects he likes, but in ALL the subjects. As a result his grades are mostly C’s and he has failed one subject completely.

The boy is not dumb. In fact, he’s far from it.  Intelligent,  innovative, persistent. A complete whiz at anything computer related. My friend just can’t get the boy to see anything past today. He can’t get him to think long term. How failing a subject now, can mess up the future you wish to have.

I give him advice pretty regularly, but my advice is almost idealistic. His son has hit the teen years pretty hard. Complete with the “know it all” replies and hormonal insanity. I have no history with it as a parent and I speak based on how I hope things would work. Or from my own memories of being a 16 year old. 

So here I am with a 9 year old with my idealistic thoughts.  My son just entered 4th grade, the year where teachers begin to give out grades.  Real grades. Not just “Needs Development” or “Satisfactory”.  If I don’t start off a good path NOW, I will be right there in my friend’s shoes in 7 years.

I told my friend that it’s my hope to teach my son the importance of good grades based on how my son much my son enjoys playing in the town’s football league.  He practices daily and hard at football. His reward for working so hard at it is getting to be on the “A” team in his division. Even further than that, his other reward is the fact that he is rarely benched. 

To keep babbling…..if I can show him that when you put your energy into something then you will reap the rewards from that hard work.  But….and this is a big but…..9 year old’s want fast gratification.  So how can I keep him interested in studying today and tomorrow, when his grades won’t be seen until December? How do I keep him motivated and interested?

My friend laughed and wished me good luck. No advice.

I’m at a loss here and I look to my readers with older children for your experiences and advice…..got any that are past idealistic?

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18 Comments. Click to leave one of your own!

  • September 20 2009 at 9:40 AM Kat
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    This is a tough one. My kids are nine and eleven so I’m pretty much in the same place as you. I do, however, have a niece and nephew who are teens. Both were raised in the same, less than ideal household. My nephew dropped out of school at sixteen. His sister is now in her senior year and working hard for good grades. Their story illustrates to me that there is no “one” answer. We need to take each individual child and mold our own behaviour and guidance to what we know of that child. Let your own child’s personality be your guide to how you support him through the teen years.
    .-= Kat´s last blog ..New Things On The Horizon =-.

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  • September 20 2009 at 10:18 AM Jessica said:

    I have two stepkids, 14 and 11, and my own daughter is 9. We watched my stepson go from a 4.0, down to a less-than respectable performance, and back up to a 4.0. What seems to be working for them is figuring out what goal is exciting to them and showing them how doing well in school equates to that goal.

    My stepson has an interest in robotics; I located some college programs with especially cool websites and emailed the links to him. He thought it was great but, “What kind of job could I get with that? You can’t get a job doing that.” I explained the many very real job opportunities. Next thing I knew, we were discussing his high school course catalog with an eye to getting him into (dream school) Carnegie Mellon and their robotics program (and yes, we have many schools on his list! But shoot for the stars, kid.).

    My stepdaughter, who is starting middle school, was of course watching all of this, and one of the things that grabbed her attention was the talk about going to college abroad. She wanted to know how she could go to school in Paris. This came totally out of left field for us! But we explained some of the ways she could do that and if she got the grades, we would help her make it happen. She’s very motivated! Paris, Paris, Paris, is all she wants to talk about. “I’m going to PARIS!”

    My nine-year-old, we just had to move to private school, she was so discouraged at her public school. We are focused on making her enthusiastic about school, with an eye toward creating a motivated student.

    I guess the other big thing we do is when the kids bring home good grades, we celebrate. When my stepson brought home the 4.0 for his most recent report card, I made chocolate fondue and we raised a fondue fork toast to him. My stepdaughter was a little mad – how come you made it for him? Will you make it for me if I do well? Yep, you bet – whatever dessert you want.

    We’re not done yet, just starting! But the kids are motivated and we feel very optimistic. And I will tell you – I take all my parenting advice from a friend whose kids I used to babysit for – who all have Master’s Degrees now, making me feel both old and proud :-)
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..Help! or, Why I Fear the Outdoors =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 20th, 2009 at 8:06 PM

    Thanks for the great reply. I look towards a friend of mine who’s children all made it through the teen years in one peace…and came out to be pretty special adults. It’s good to have a parental idol!!

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  • September 20 2009 at 1:37 PM natalee said:

    oh god now im scared.. my oldest is 6.. theres so much to worry about.. im gonna read all the comments and you can guide me too… hugs
    .-= natalee´s last blog ..I laughed so hard I peed myself… =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 20th, 2009 at 8:06 PM

    Hold my hand! I’m right there with you!

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  • September 20 2009 at 5:48 PM blueviolet said:

    I’ve had two go through those years now and in my case, it was all specific to the child. My oldest is completely driven, self-motivated, and an overachiever so she needed very little cheerleading.

    My youngest just has never felt the need to do more than what is necessary. He doesn’t push himself beyond the assignment and so he only get A’s in subjects he particularly enjoys. He is perfectly content with B’s or even a C in subjects he dislikes. There has been very little I have been able to do to change that and since he tends to be pretty anxious, I’ve sort of let him take it his way.

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  • September 20 2009 at 6:10 PM shraddha said:

    that is one fear all of us have to live with i guess!!

    thanks for making me featured twitterer!how cool!Thank you!
    .-= shraddha´s last blog ..Addiction or Bliss? =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 20th, 2009 at 8:07 PM

    You’re welcome :)

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  • September 20 2009 at 10:49 PM Loukia said:

    I’m sorry.. I don’t have any solid advice… my oldest son is only just now in kindergarten, but I know these worries and fears will be mine someday soon, too… the fact that you are worried about this shows how great a mom you are!
    .-= Loukia´s last blog ..The story of the alleged missing craft =-.

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  • September 21 2009 at 10:51 AM KathyB! said:

    I wish I had some magic words for you. I have one who is nearly 12 and all I can do is hope that the foundation we have laid will see her through…
    .-= KathyB!´s last blog ..They said, we said =-.

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  • September 21 2009 at 7:03 PM *~Michelle~* said:

    I agree with KathyB about laying a good solid foundation and lots of prayers!!!!!!!

    And I am pretty sure you will be covering both of those…..the fact that you are concerned shows that you are already ahead of many parents who are asking questions when it’s too late.

    xox
    .-= *~Michelle~*´s last blog ..Stubborn or Determined…..Hopeless or Hopeful? =-.

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    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 21st, 2009 at 7:23 PM

    Thanks Michelle! Nice to meet you and thanks for the vote of confidence!

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  • September 21 2009 at 8:45 PM Jane said:

    I have a 17 yr. old, 6 yr. old and 5 yr. old. One of the best things that MY parents did was to help us keep an eye on the prize. They latched onto the things we were interested in and then made sure we were exposed to people in careers that we looked to do someday: either with their friends, or visiting events that coincided with our interests at the local university. I recently had a similiar issue with my daughter when she was 15. So we visited a university campus with a fashion marketing major and arranged to talk to one of the professors (just call the school admission’s department – they sent us in the right direction). She is now MUCH more motivated than she was in the past and even though she’s moved away from fashion (that was SO two years ago, Mom!) her grades are now more of a priority. As far as drugs and drinking go? Education, education, open communication and keep them busy beyond belief in sports, extra curricular, youth groups, etc. They won’t have TIME to stray.
    .-= Jane´s last blog ..The Grass Isn’t Greener. It’s Just Different. =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 21st, 2009 at 10:21 PM

    Thanks for the advice Jane!!!!

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  • September 22 2009 at 9:03 AM Shanta @ Natural Mom Loves Prada said:

    Well my oldest is 8 and we homeschool so I’m the fishy out of water here…but here are some thoughts.

    I once read an article about a father whose son was a mess. He decided to watch movies with his son. I don’t remember all the details of it, but in the end it was about connecting with his son and I think his son went on to do something in movies or they wrote a book together…sorry, not really sure.

    We are currently having issues with ds being interested, motivated to do the minor school work we ask him to do. I started wondering yesterday “does it really matter if he learns multiplication now or at age 9?” What it comes down to in the end is that we all need to pay rent, eat and most of us want things…so there will come a day when we are motivated to learn what we think today is mundane. Those who don’t, I suspect have enabling parents who have a difficult time with boundaries (“thank you for your rent payment this month!”).

    If I could, I would pull my children out of school if they were flunking out of highschool (we do intend for our children to go to highschool if they desire) and enroll them in an online version and have the flexibility to connect with them on a deeper level.

    If my younger child threw a tantrum, I would stop and figure out why the frustration and do what I could to modify their perspective of their world without necessarily changing the expectation. I would do the same for my teenager.

    And not that I watch him anymore, but Dr. Phil had said a few years ago “grades are the kid’s currency” – better grades, better life. Crappy grades, crappy life! Which is really just teaching them about paying rent, food and goodies at an earlier age!

    wow…that was long! :)
    .-= Shanta @ Natural Mom Loves Prada´s last blog ..waiting =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 22nd, 2009 at 7:58 PM

    Long but helpful. Connection is important. And I like the theory that grades are a kid’s currency.

    Thanks for taking the time to write this :)

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  • September 22 2009 at 5:51 PM Modernmom said:

    Yikes..read this with interest. My babes are younger too. I’m hoping strong communication skills will build us a great foundation to get us through those turbulent teen years!

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  • September 24 2009 at 12:13 AM Lauren
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    Hi,

    I have a twenty-year old son with Asperger’s/ADD, though he is high functioning. Every day is a challenge for him socially, and it is hard for him to be driven about school work that doesn’t excite him. He currently attends community college and is slowly showing improvement in his work and grades. He wants to be a lawyer.

    Really, it’s all about creating a structured homework environment and starting good work habits at a young age.

    We all want our children to be successful and get good grades but then the measure of a child’s success becomes the grade and not the pride he/she feels in accomplishing a task. An analogy I would offer is that of a writer with a goal of becoming published and being so focused on becoming published that he/she no longer feels the excitement and enjoyment in the writing process.

    My advice is to take baby steps and to instill in your son the joy of learning, as well as emphasizing that every subject has a purpose no matter how dull it may seem. Numbers help launch rockets and build buildings. The excitement of learning something new creates passion.
    .-= Lauren´s last blog ..Visiting Nerds of Silicon Valley – Certified IT/Healthcare Professionals =-.

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