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Hard Labor

21 September 2009 41 Comments

infertilityOver the past few months, I’ve come to connect with some really amazing women through blogging. I think it takes awhile to find your place in the blog-world, just like it does with any other thing in life.  And I’ll be honest and say that I really didn’t think this would be a means to developing friendships.  

I’ve exchanged some really great emails with some truly wonderful people.  And lately these emails seem to be about infertility. I guess I am just drawn to posts about it. Writing meaningful comments on those blogs. And so the conversations and sharing begins. Friendships.

I’ve never written on my blog about the fact that I went through 5+ years of fertility treatments. I’ve never written about how devastating it is, how emotional it is. I’ve never written about the fact that it can suck the life out of your marriage and completely alienate you from friends and family. It really was the most difficult time of my life.

I exchanged emails with another blogger and this response to her really sums it up well for me:

I ended up adopting actually. I couldn’t take that roller coaster any longer. You know how you read into every sign after you ovulate? Well magnify the emotions by 50 when…..
1. Your hopes are high because the doctor gave you new meds and positive thoughts
2. You’re hormonally insane because the meds have your brain all over the place.
 
It’s honestly a lot to take. My gut told me to adopt from the first year into it, but I just could not get off the constant hope the doctors gave me. Every time they change your medication or dose it gives you renewed hope. It’s awful. I kept thinking…”just one more try so I have no regrets”.
 
I don’t have regrets even now…because any single change in what I did would mean that I wouldn’t have MY son. He’s amazing….and I feel really lucky that God sent him my way…..
 
I think it’s one of those things you have to figure out for yourself.
 
I wish you all the best….no matter what you decide,
Nancy 

 

My husband and I adopted our son.  I woke up one morning and I knew I was just done with fertility treatments.  I knew I had lost sight of my goal. To be a mom. Period. A mom.  And while I would LOVE to write the story of how my son came into our lives, because it really was fate and amazing, I don’t believe it’s my story to tell. It’s my son’s story to tell (or not).  But I will say this……..we are nothing but honest and open to him about it. And he’s the best thing that’s ever come into my life. If you are a regular here, you have seen how I write about him and how much I adore him.

When I look back at it……the pregnancy (or lack there of) is of zero importance to me now. The day he was born has no less of a wonderful story just because he didn’t pass through my uterus.

If there was a plus to my five years of “hard labor”, it is this:  I KNOW I am a more understanding, compassionate and loving person because of it. On the humorous side of it…….I no longer have any shred of modesty left.  I don’t believe there was any intern or doctor in the ob/gyn program at my local hospital who did not get a view of me naked from the waist down.

It’s all good now.

To anyone currently going through fertility treatments……..I wish you too…….

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41 Comments. Click to leave one of your own!

  • September 21 2009 at 11:31 PM Dawn
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    I have a friend who has gone through this as well, years and years of being encouraged then let down, excited then disappointed. I felt guilty being pregnant and I never had the right words for her. She is still going through it, although they have signed up with an adoption agency. I hope her story has as happy an ending as yours! :)
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 22nd, 2009 at 10:34 AM

    I hope so too, Dawn!! My fingers are crossed for her :)

    [Reply]

  • September 21 2009 at 11:46 PM Loukia said:

    What a beautiful post! You are a wonderful, wonderful mom. And you are so right with everything you said here! My heart breaks for those friends I know who struggle with infertility, too. Adoption is a wonderful choice. If I could afford it, I would adopt a child as well.
    .-= Loukia´s last blog ..The best compliment =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 22nd, 2009 at 12:44 PM

    Thank you so much, Loukia! I’m sure you’re of great support to your friends :)

    [Reply]

  • September 22 2009 at 8:35 AM Shanta @ Natural Mom Loves Prada said:

    Thanks for sharing that Nancy, I didn’t realize that you ended up adopting – what a blessing to you and your son.
    .-= Shanta @ Natural Mom Loves Prada´s last blog ..waiting =-.

    [Reply]

  • September 22 2009 at 9:56 AM magda said:

    Great post, interesting timing. Very dear friends of ours are in their second round of IVF, technically 5 weeks pregnant. They are such dear people from loving families and will be wonderful parents. And thus, godparents to our boys. I hated pregnancy so much, I often wanted to miscarry just so i wouldn’t have to endure another day. I was nauseous beyond all reason until almost 1 month after each of our boys was born. Unable to eat,sleep, read, shower, get comfortable for that many days and nights was awful….but worth it. Agreeing to it a second time was the bravest thing I have ever done. I cried and complained around the clock. I can’t feel guilty about how I handled the worst days of my life. But I am grateful for them.

    I HATED it soooo much, that even for billions of dollars, i would not do it again….and our finances are strained. There is no amount. My heart aches for those who are unable and a middle finger to all those for whom it comes easy and naturally. Those of you who feel better than ever, extra horny and radiant and joyful. Whatev.

    Life is not fair but really it is quite good, especially when you get to be somebody’s mommie.
    .-= magda´s last blog ..When I die.. =-.

    [Reply]

  • September 22 2009 at 10:32 AM Mom of Three
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    I never realized you adopted. Everyone’s journey is different, and yes, I can tell how much you love your son. And that’s all that matters. To him. And clearly to you.
    .-= Mom of Three´s last blog ..Monday’s Muse – Making a Difference =-.

    [Reply]

  • September 22 2009 at 12:10 PM shraddha said:

    i had my twins through ivf..i relate..

    please take time to read http://www.yayastuff.blogspot.com/

    she could really use your support
    .-= shraddha´s last blog ..Face of Psychosis =-.

    [Reply]

  • September 22 2009 at 12:29 PM Jane said:

    What a great post and a beautiful perspective. I, too, was diagnosed infertile and chose adoption. Then, 15 infertile years later, found out I was pregnant. I can honestly echo your sentiment that a child does not need to “pass through my uterus” for me to feel blessed that he was born to me. Wonderful post!
    .-= Jane´s last blog ..Tunes for Tuesday – Without You (Rent) =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 22nd, 2009 at 4:47 PM

    What a great story!!! I can’t imagine being told I am pregnant now!! Funny birth control story: (I’ll keep it short). I was out with other couples and one woman (she’s 44) was complaining about having to use it. I laughed. I haven’t thought (or had to think) about B.C. in 14 years. I was almost in shock that anyone at 44 still thought about it.

    [Reply]

  • September 22 2009 at 2:09 PM KathyB! said:

    I’ve never suffered with this. I am glad that you were given the family you were meant to have, and wish the same for all those who are struggling today.
    .-= KathyB!´s last blog ..Life lessons learned in the minivan =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 22nd, 2009 at 4:48 PM

    Thank you, KathyB!!!

    [Reply]

  • September 22 2009 at 3:11 PM *Michelle* said:

    Oh Nancy…..I told you that God has a way of weaving people into our lives (IRL, online, blogging, etc) and doesn’t waste ONE single opportunity for those relationships’ purposes.

    I know He crossed our paths for a reason…….

    (yes, this email was sent to me and I want to publicly announce how thankful/grateful I am for Nancy taking the time to share her journey with me)

    May God continue to bless you…you are a special person! :)
    .-= *Michelle*´s last blog ..Stubborn or Determined…..Hopeless or Hopeful? =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 22nd, 2009 at 9:22 PM

    :) and bless you too!

    [Reply]

  • September 22 2009 at 7:47 PM Andrea
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    Thank you, Nancy, for sharing that with us all. It was truly touching, and absolutely true. While we have not adopted, we certainly think about doing so, as my husband and his brother were adopted together by their parents. We talk about trying for a second child, with no knowledge of what G-d has in store for us, and adoption is always something we mention and consider. Your son is truly blessed to have you, and you him, as we are blessed to have our daughter, and she to have us. Having a child is forever a labor of love, and we mommies know that best!
    .-= Andrea´s last blog ..Welcome, Fall! =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 22nd, 2009 at 9:26 PM

    Thanks Andrea :)

    [Reply]

  • September 22 2009 at 7:55 PM blueviolet said:

    I’m glad you shared this with us. I didn’t have the same issues but I did have to fight against miscarriage.
    .-= blueviolet´s last blog ..RTT: Squishy Dreams =-.

    [Reply]

  • September 22 2009 at 8:55 PM submom
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    I don’t know how to say this gracefully and eloquently, but here’s what I said to a friend of mine who adopted and one day expressed her fear that her girls may not think that she loves them enough because she is not their “mother”: When you adopt, you really really really want that child to be part of your life, to be her mother, to become a mother. You actually made a choice to become a mother. To be HER mother. To me, that’s one of the purest and strongest loving bond you can find in life…

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 22nd, 2009 at 9:31 PM

    Buy her the book “Little Miss Spider” by David Kirk. It was given to me when we decided to adopt. My son and I both know it by heart now.

    While I was lookin for a link to post here on the book, I found a short animated cartoon version of it:

    http://www.archive.org/details/LittleMi2001

    [Reply]

  • September 22 2009 at 9:18 PM Yaya said:

    sigh…I’m so ready to be done with fertility…but my hubby isn’t…
    .-= Yaya´s last blog ..Potential Birth Mother Match? =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 22nd, 2009 at 9:25 PM

    I hear ya. Mine wasn’t ready either, but I was the one going through all the procedures, shots, mood swings, weight gain and whatever havoc all that caused on my long term health.

    I think men look at it differently than we do. Maybe an ego thing? I’m not really sure.

    [Reply]

  • September 22 2009 at 9:22 PM Marla said:

    Very touchy post… thank you for sharing. I don’t have any friends who went through infertility problem, so I didn’t have any idea how much emotion you had to go through. Thank you again for sharing this. I can tell you from your writing that you are a wonderful mom!
    .-= Marla´s last blog ..Lottie Da Baby Boutique =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 22nd, 2009 at 10:54 PM

    Thank you so much, Marla. Thanks for visiting here :) Nice to “meet” you!

    [Reply]

  • September 22 2009 at 9:29 PM Theta Mom said:

    Nancy~ This was so beautifully written. I also didn’t think I would be making connecitions like I have made in the blogosphere. You meet some incredible women, for sure. Thank you for sharing your story.
    .-= Theta Mom´s last blog ..Goodnight Mommy =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 22nd, 2009 at 10:55 PM

    Thank you Theta Mom :) This made me smile.

    [Reply]

  • September 22 2009 at 11:13 PM Tami
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    I definitely understand wanting to have a child. Dreaming of that child with your eyes. I never went through the hormones that drove you insane. Well I am now via menopause. I had a friend that did. She now has triplets. But I value my children just as much if I would have carried them. I’m so glad that you have your son.

    Hugs,
    .-= Tami´s last blog ..My Magical Moment on Tuesday =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 23rd, 2009 at 3:40 PM

    And I am happy you are a mom too :)

    [Reply]

  • September 22 2009 at 11:20 PM Unknown Mami said:

    Thank you for sharing this story. I feel enriched.
    .-= Unknown Mami´s last blog ..What I Did this Summer =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 23rd, 2009 at 3:40 PM

    Thank you, Mami!!!

    [Reply]

  • September 23 2009 at 8:48 AM Lisa said:

    I don’t have children, and I haven’t gone through fertility treatments or the adoption process, but I am so happy you shared this story with everyone here!

    [Reply]

  • September 23 2009 at 12:32 PM NathanRising said:

    What a beautiful story! Thank you for sharing this.
    -Jen
    .-= NathanRising´s last blog ..The Baby Pokers and Their Itchy Fingers =-.

    [Reply]

  • September 23 2009 at 3:15 PM jen smith said:

    great post! we went through infertility too and our twins are the result – a true blessing. my aunt adopted 11 years ago and it affected all of us – it was a family experience and i am so happy it was one that i could experience with her and gained so much value and insight from her adopting. i am so happy you had a happy ending to your struggles as well
    after all that trouble i went through…and then my little izzy –
    came out of nowhere!!! beatiful post!

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 23rd, 2009 at 6:28 PM

    And thanks for sharing your story :)

    [Reply]

  • September 23 2009 at 8:16 PM Little Miss Spider | If Evolution Really Works.... said:

    [...] Miss Spider 23 September 2009 One Hand Little Miss SpiderOne of the comments from my “Hard Labor” post reminded me of a great book I was given when my son was born. My son and I know this [...]

  • September 24 2009 at 11:48 PM Brittany at Mommy Words
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    Nancy I did not know that you adopted either and I think it is wonderful. It was always obvious how much you love your son!

    I met a lot of women on a miscarriage board I joined after my 2nd miscarriage and they are now some of my closest friends more than 2 years later. They were all there for me after my third miscarriage even though we were struggling with different issues since I already had Sophia and had no “fertility issues” per say. A bunch of us are meeting early next year for a girls weekend! A lot of those gals struggled for a long time with fertility treatments and uterus surgeries etc etc. and some have gone on to have babies after many years and some have opted to adopt and some are still trying. I love them all, I love all their babies and I am just supportive of whatever decision they make. It is so beautiful, and hard, to become a mom, to make the decisions to get there, and it makes no difference if the child is adopted or biological. I will say that having birthed and breastfed my two babies – every shred of modeesty I have ever had is gone. The whole world has seen m boobs and lets just say its open season on the cha cha during and after labor. Man have a lot of people seen the goods!

    Great post! You gotta lotta love lady!
    .-= Brittany at Mommy Words´s last blog ..The Princess Castle =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 27th, 2009 at 4:55 PM

    That’s so awesome that you made such wonderful friends during a crummy period of life. And it’s even more wonderful that you are still close with them.

    The girl’s weekend sounds like such a fun thing and I hope you all get to go!!

    Doesn’t matter what road you take to becoming a mom, does it? In the end it’s the same :)

    [Reply]

  • September 27 2009 at 3:38 PM submom
    @ on twitter.
     said:

    Hi, Nancy, thank you so much for telling me about the book “Little Miss Spider” by David Kirk, and the link to see the animated short. I am crying now. So true, what it says at the end.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : September 27th, 2009 at 4:56 PM

    Hope you enjoy reading that book. To me it’s even better than that clip!

    [Reply]

  • October 3 2009 at 10:21 PM Sarah @ This Heavenly Life said:

    I’m stopping by from Elizabeth Esther’s carnival, and I really enjoyed this post. It was so beautifully written, and I can imagine it helping many women through similar periods of pain. I haven’t dealt with infertility, but I can imagine it being the most difficult thing a woman would ever have to go through. I’m so glad to know you’re at peace with your decision to adopt – I think that must be a big stumbling block for many families. To want your *own* child can overtake everything until other options don’t seem relevant or even comparable. Anyway. I just really liked this thoughtful, beautiful, encouraging post.
    .-= Sarah @ This Heavenly Life´s last blog ..The Saturday Evening Blog Post, #2 =-.

    [Reply]

    Nancy
    @ on twitter.


    Replied on : October 3rd, 2009 at 10:30 PM

    Thank you so much for the really nice comment :) And I’m glad you visited me!

    [Reply]

  • October 6 2009 at 8:15 PM Heather of the EO said:

    Thank you for sharing this. You know, sometimes I feel guilty for how quickly we got pregnant with our two boys. the doc had told me (before the boys) that I would probably never get pregnant (I have issues) And yet, here they are. When friends or family can’t get pregnant, I wonder “why them? why not us?” I’m sorry you struggled for so long, and I’m so happy that you ended up on the right path for you.
    .-= Heather of the EO´s last blog ..Give me your favorite blog post. Please. =-.

    [Reply]

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