I did it. I got it. I don’t need anything else. Any more closure. I’ve got it.
I finally asked the one thing I should have asked a long time ago. “You say to me: If you knew how I felt about you, you wouldn’t think the things you think. So tell me, how do you feel about me?” And he wouldn’t answer it directly. He danced around it.
Then I said: “You say you are in this for sex, but I was in this for intimacy and thrills. And you made yourself out to be in the same place. Which makes you a liar. So while it was all about your dick for you, for me it was about sharing and the thrills that came from being close to someone. I never wanted anything more than that. You’re so busy telling me to let go all the time and just be, but you can’t let go of your own stuff and just be.”
Of course, he can only remember bad things I’d done or said, but he couldn’t remember or own any of his own bad things. Including the very worst thing he did was to dump my ass and then scream at me “I just want someone to fuck now and then”. He keeps denying being a liar. Keeps using statements like “I never…….blah, blah” when I can easily show him how it’s not never.
And the truth is, he is a narcissist, so he will never ever, ever see the truth about himself. His problem, not mine.
Anyway. I feel in a pretty good place about this now. I lost myself, but I’m finding myself now too. So let’s consider this the first day of a new book and the first day of the rest of my life 🙂