For the past few days, I’ve had a pretty decent amount of quality time with my head. Been able to think about things and process them for myself. Watch life, pay attention. Relax. Get creative. Centered (slightly. Ha.). Grounded.
I started with the idea that I feel uncomfortable in my skin. I’m not sure I can find the words to accurately describe my point. But maybe telling this story will clear that up for you.
It’s my son’s final few days at home, before he heads off to start his Sophmore year of college. He’s basically the last one of his pals to leave and so I’m his last resort pal for the most part. I’m busy with work and frankly kind of ready for the unpredictable schedule side of summer to be behind me. A little bit of peace and quiet and freedom from being on duty.
I was out doing….wtf knows what and decided I needed to escape for a while and chill somewhere other than my house. I dropped in (announced) on a friend whose son decided just as they were pulling into school after a 3 hour ride there……that he didn’t want to actually go back to college. And they promptly turned right around and headed back home.
When you hear that a kid isn’t going back to school, immediately there’s an assumption. Like, did he flunk out? Drug thing? Depression? People whispering stuff, because it’s a sensitive thing.
I know this boy very well though. Since he was 5. He and my own son have this lovely, long bond. He’s brilliant, and he clearly didn’t flunk out or he wouldn’t have been going back in the first place. He probably smoked more pot than the average kid, but he hadn’t smoked in a month and was proud of that.
So what gives?
Well, I also know about him. His cynicism, his discomfort in his own skin, the slight anger in him. But I also now see tenderness and softness and vulnerability when he “lets go” of himself. I see his need to be loved and loving. And I see a person who hasn’t really figured out….something….that would let him melt his walls. Be authentic.
I see me, quite frankly. lol.
Yeah, so I’m adding this to another thing that’s crossed my mind this week (and is the inspiration behind a bracelet I’ve been working on)
Authenticity Rules, Ego Drools
Authenticity, baby. I think that’s what it’s all about. Being exactly who you are, freely. Not in a “fuck them if they don’t like it” kind of way……but in an “I am who I am” unapologetically and vulnerably and lovingly and kindly, without masks and fears up.
When it comes to where I am now, I feel this discomfort and hurt, that I probably caused for myself with my inability to just be me. To always try to be some I think I should be to please them. To make them like me or think that I have it all together. Does this make sense?