I’m back. Back from a great few days at the beach. Moms and sons. What could be better? I really had a nice time…..I really did.
I finished up a book tonight…a woman’s memoirs on her relationship with a sociopath. So many similarities. What stands out for me the most is how I ignored so many things that did not sit right for me. As she says….she ignored them because it got in the way of her fantasy. This perfect guy in a perfect relationship. What-will-we-do-without-them desperation. The other thing that sticks out for me is how she thought this relationship completed the person she wanted to be, but that she sees now…she was complete without him. He just brought the very best out in her.
All of the ims and emails and texts to other women. …and those are just the ones I caught. What about those that I didn’t catch? I made them my fault. That I wasn’t paying him enough attention. I compromised myself, my life, my boundaries I neglected so much in my life trying to pay him extra attention. I gave so much of myself. He still has my attention and I am still neglecting my own life. No normal person needs this much attention.
The lies, the exaggerations, the neglect of people in his life. The arrogance, the childish behaviors, the editing of events, the justifications. The gas lighting. Judging and criticizing everyone. The hypocrisy. The one upping, the way he was always wronged and the victim. Feigned innocence. I excused it all even though I witnessed all of it.
I am no different than anyone else in his life. Me, Robin, his son, Dawn, employees, friends, bartenders, fans, enemies, strangers and probably almost everyone in his life. We are all subjected to these things. Some of us are just more aware of it than others.
I watch as he takes on bits of other people’s personalities. Copies them . I watched as he stole bits of my personalities and ideas and used them as his own. Perfect example where in those Sharri’s Berries. I can only imagine how used so many other things that I thought were special to ‘us’.
His lack of empathy and conscience. His inability to aplogize, to sympathize, to comprehend. How with incredible ease he could deny, argue, flip any single any feeling I had or time I spoke up for myself…..and be totally okay with that. And if I had undebatable or undeniable proof….,..he would instead resort to silent treatment. And I see it isn’t just me he did this with. This is how he is in every aspect of his life, and with everyone.
But most troubling of all…..I’d listen to him say “I love that boy” and think to myself……his voice inflection was bizarre. His body language is off. There was no sincerity, no warmth. No love. It felt like he was acting. Just as he was acting with me. Just as how he is an actor with everyone. He was trying to mimic the love I have for Jack. It never felt right in my gut.
The last thing he could make me feel baldy about….his mother dying. I haven’t been able to come to peace with how I behaved during this. I have some peace with it now. When his mom became sick, my gut told me he was feigning normal grief..something was off. My gut knew there was a reason for his mental breakdown. The same with his sons illness.
His grief act came from something else. Both times his perfect father/son/Mr wonderful image had suffered a blow. He was caught in neglecting these people. His neighbor ‘called’ him on the complete neglect of his mother. Someone must have ‘called’ him on the neglect of his son. He was using those things for pity play. For attention.
My discard and my replacements and his evil games happened as a result of my not giving him that attention. I was failing to be ‘supply’ for him.
‘No normal relationship needs this much thought given to it. That is a sure fire sign that you are dealing with a sociopath. As normal people we doubt ourselves. Sociopaths don’t doubt themselves. They strategize. When it goes wrong for them, they further manipulate. When any of this backfires on them, they retreat or rage. This is about as much sense as you can make out of them. You don’t need to keep looking for answers and playing detective. You don’t need one more piece of evidence……trust me on this.
And by ‘you’, I mean me. I’m really saying these things to myself. I don’t need to keep rewording the truth and the facts and the research. He’s a sociopath. I don’t need further validation of this.
I can choose for him to not be my problem anymore and pass the torch to someone else, or as I see it…multiple someone elses, because I was Ferrari caliber supply.