Can’t Sleep

This is the first time in ages that I have not been able to sleep.  This is also the first time in ages where I have felt this angry too.

‘I woke up just now seeing how I dumbed myself down for him. How much crap I took from him. I can not wrap my head around the fact that he is not aware of the things he has done to me, nor the way he has treated me.  How someone like Dayle, who does not know much of anything about ‘us’, can clearly see how awful he is to me. Cathy’s facial expression and nod when I mention that he is an awful person.

I think that talking to Dayle about him the other day at my late (to avoid the assclown) lunch stirred up some old, uncomfortable feelings for me. It had me driving around in order to ‘run’ into him, instead of doing my very best to avoid him.

I keep thinking of the things I would say to him, but what is the point of that? It gives him ‘food’, it gives away my power. He will not be accountable, he will trivialize it or blow it off. He is disgusting.

When I was out tonight with Colleen, a rare Saturday night with dinner at trovato’s I felt this great positive energy and confidence. I drove home and saw his car at cenzino’s. I even drove by it again two more times. I came home…..mad.  Old habits.

I am so thankful that the universe has set it up so that I have no clue what he is up to because I know how much worse I could be feeling right now.

It is now Sunday. I leave on Tuesday and come home on Thursday.  I am hoping that he is either gone or leaving again soon after that too.

I wish he would move away. Going to try and get some sleep now.

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