Six: Coming Together

Okay, so I know I shouldn’t have…but I did.

I showed up at his office.

First words out of his mouth were:  “Didn’t I tell you I don’t want emails anymore?” To which I replied “Didn’t I ask you to not ignore my texts?  I figured if you were okay in doing that, I can be okay in sending an email”.    Got the usual him stuff: going backward in time to find a way to blame it ultimately on me. I didn’t let him do that. I didn’t bite.

We walked for a bit outside.  I can’t remember how this came about, but he said to me “It was a game. All that I love you stuff. You’re married. I’m married. I didn’t mean it.”  Then he tried to get out of having been my “sexual partner” too.  I thought to myself: The buffoon…faked the deep looks into my eyes stuff. All the loving letters he sent. The “I never want to lose you from my life”. “I’d do anything for you”.

Why would I want a person like that in my life? None of it should surprise me. It’s exactly what people had been telling me all along:  This is how narcissists roll.

The part I am happy about is this:

I was able to tell him how selfish he is sexually, and there simply was no way for him to argue it. My needs were not being met and because of this, all that was happening was me arguing and fighting to have them met.  I listed all of the ways he ignored my needs. Blew them off. I would have loved to list all the things he took away and all of the rules that ensured my needs would never be met.

I told him that the only solution I can come up with is to remove sex from the picture.  Just as I said a year ago. And the dynamics suddenly changed. This time there was no knee-jerk “Then I’ll find someone else to fill my needs” response.  This time he just got quiet.

Did they change because I am taking away the last means he had for controlling me? Because his “selfish” gig was up? Or did they change because finding a safe bot to get him off the way I did would require work and effort?  Does it even really matter why it changed?

He told me that he wasn’t sure what he wanted from this point on.  I am sure he will fade out of my life now.  I  don’t trust him.

I know this much for myself…….I spoke up for myself with kindness. I came from love. My intentions were pure. I was true to my word. I did not play games with someone’s head and body.  I feel at peace with however it goes. I think.

I feel better than I have in a long time.

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