Nineteen: A Toast To Mary Tyler Moore

I’m in a funk.  I don’t want to go to the shore. I want to stay home and be alone. I want it to be last week all over again.  I want to not have sucked it up and instead told him off.  I am tired of being silenced and editing myself.

What I would want to say is this:

The true you is the you that in one single night treated someone who was loyal to you,  worse than a dog, with zero remorse and zero awareness…

You lied and said you would remove all of your rules if I would just be me.  I was me. And your rules are still firmly in place. Said what you needed to say to get what you wanted.  But hey, you can say you gave me buzzed sex now, right?  Yawn.

You told me you would make sure I got home okay that night. To quote you ‘don’t worry, I’ll make sure you get home okay’  Didn’t ask if I was okay to drive home. Couldn’t be bothered to follow me home.  Couldn’t be bothered to text or call or sign on to see that I was okay.  Not that night. Not the next morning.  Again a liar. But who cares, right? You got what you wanted….to quote you again…”I haven’t cum that hard in ages”.

And the very worst part? You took me to your office…full well knowing that you had removed everything ‘me’ from it.  Couldn’t’ be bothered to warn me. Couldn’t be bothered to address it afterwards.  Could not care less how much that hurt, cause it wasn’t you it was done to.  Vile and disgusting you. Throw it all out…including the one thing I still saw…the print over the copier.

You will see nothing wrong with anything you’ve done. You never ever do. So selfish and self absorbed. You will find a way to blame it on anyone and anything you can.  You’ve been that way with everyone and everything for as long as I’ve known you. Comical how it’s never ‘you’.  Comical how there is always an interruption or a gtg or an ‘oh well’ or a silent treatment when you can’t come up  a way to weasel out of owning your shit. When you can’t find a way to flip it and distort it.

This will be no different.

Your loss really. If you had owned things when they were small instead you would have still had a soft and loving and sexual woman in front of you.  Instead you were too concerned with being right and in control  and winning….and the small grew into toxicity.

I’d say your secret is safe with me, but your narcissism (or that something is very off about you) is pretty transparent to everyone eventually anyway.  Everyone moves on with their lives and grows…..and there you are still the guy out sipping martinis, performing  nightly  in search of adoration and attention.  I have no doubt that you go right home and jerk off to whoever pays you the most attention. And maybe one day you’ll hit another jackpot, if you haven’t already.  I always found it comical that you mock people you see consistently see at bars.  The only difference between you and them is that you spread it out between multiple watering holes.  The traveling Mr Wonderful Show.

I used to watch you mistreat your employees. Neglect your son. Treat Robin like crap. Bargain with d to get what you wanted, bs her with affection while you’re sitting right there next to me.  Neglect your mom. One up your friends. Your competitiveness.  I listened to your judgements and condescending tone. I watched and listened to your strategies for getting what you wanted out of people. Watched you charm whoever you needed to.  Listened to your pretentiousness and arrogance during meetings. Watched you have anxiety attacks and impose silent treatments  when you found yourself unable to control/manipulate people or situations. Watched you buy ‘sincerity’ through tips and tabs and fake words/promises. Listened to your ridiculous view of your own importance and superiority in this world.  And I have no doubt you will see none of these things about yourself  which is why NPD is incurable. Never thought I would be another victim to that stuff, cause I believed that ILY and affection stuff….but here I am.

And remember Dave? The guy who caused you to have a classic meltdown, over discussing business partnership ideas? He called me right after we hung up from that discussion  and the first words out of his mouth were ‘Man what a narcissist. I promise you he is too selfish and too self important to be in business with.’ I still speak to him almost weekly.  He’s become a very good friend.

Just as with my sister, I don’t hate you.  I completely understand that NPD is incurable.

Here is my goal in regards to you:

To be me, completely, with boundaries. The most important one is to never put myself in a position where you can hurt me again or use me again.

After having read what I’ve written above, no less than 20 times I am seeing something.  Despite my gut on so many red flags  right from day one, I marched on.  He showed me who he was completely from day one.  He did the same shitty things then that he does now. Remember how he sat on the phone ‘luving up’ D just before his first vacation way? That was okay to him. His ‘luving’ was an act there too. And he didn’t care if my hearing that hurt at all.   Remember how he broke up on the beach and sent me off not caring where I went or how I was? He didn’t care at all if I  got home okay the other night, either. He put on clown shows for me the way he does for others now. He is treating me now like he treated robin. Someone will always be living in one of the 3 narcissistic stages with him. I pray for all of those people. I pray for me too.

Go  to the shore, babe. Let yourself have a great time. Do exactly what you want to do, when you want to do it. Love your son, love your friends, love your life. Appreciate what you have. Be the you you’ve always wanted to be. Be open to the universe and all it has to offer.

A toast to Mary Tyler Moore….’you’re gonna make it after all’

I’m out of my funk!

 

 

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