Five: Assclown

I went and picked myself up a Venti Decaf Cafe Latte tonight and found another laugh along the way.

For a solid 5 weeks, there has been zero arguing.  Mostly because I became a bot.  Temporary lobotomy. Let him control everything.

I observed. I listened. My ego out of the picture.

The whole over-the-top and ridiculous “Mr. Wonderful” show.  The creepy side of knowing where I am and letting me know it.  Avoiding answering anything until he had his answers.  Dominating, controlling and worming his way into my friendships. Sulking or punishing when he doesn’t get his way or when someone else has the stage or when someone speaks up and corrects him.

Then I put it all together in my mind and laughed: Ass clown

I never really understood the true gist of that term.   It finally hit me……Buffoon.  Ridiculous. Nonsensical. I have been making my life difficult over a ridiculous, nonsensical, buffoon.   It’s just that simple.

I also thought about that fantasy I have in running into an old flame and saying “sorry, but no”.

I ran into Randy once on a prior Venti Decaf Cafe Latte trip.  I had the cup in one hand and 3-year-old Jack’s hand in my other.  We didn’t say a word to each other, but I felt complete closure.  This sense of just knowing my life would have been shit if I had been thin enough for him to marry in my early twenties.  And suddenly he stopped mattering.  Not even two years later when I heard his wife left him and he was denied an Acura lease due to bad credit.

Okay, I’m lying.  I did think to myself: Karma is king. And I am thin.

Maybe I need to stay open to what the universe is saying to me.  What and who it puts in my path.

Like just now La Vie En Rose came on.  (Um…HELLO?  Something’s Gotta Give!)  The Life in Pink is the literal translation of the song title.  The more accurate translation being Rose colored glasses.

Guess who found her pink tinted  Rayban’s the other day? Me.  I actually bought them 2 years ago and wore them like a prize.  I actually own rose colored glasses. Yay me.

What do I walk away with from all of these disjointed thoughts?

The universe provides direction, closure, and clarity for me if I simply live “awarely” and observe.

And that my friends, is a wrap for today.

 

 

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