I am trying to understand why it is that I just can’t wrap this all up and file it away. Why some days are so hard and others, perfectly fine. Why mornings are difficult and evenings peaceful?
With all that I know, why does my mind still “go there”? I know in part it’s because I let it. I think I let it because I am looking for closure and understanding from a person who will give people anything but closure and understanding. I keep thinking that if I have just one more talk with him, I’ll get that, but I’ve tried that before and it doesn’t happen. It won’t happen. Ever.
I walked away 4 years ago and I was okay. I was okay until I heard he had reached out to his ex-pedestal chick. And then I was afraid I was going to be replaced. I’ve wished him out of my life countless times, during moments of clarity. I could have had him out of my life and I would not be in the place I am now.
The only closure I will receive will come from me. From finding myself again and from living my life to its fullest. From separating myself from everything about him.
The universe gave me the gift of not knowing what he is doing, but what I do with the time in between those signs….is my choice and I need to make better ones. I need to protect myself and nourish my heart and soul. I need to not push things that are better left alone. I need to live in the moment and not in my head or ego. I need to be diligent all of this.
I am being given 3 1/2 days here alone in my home and I need to make the most of it. And I will accept this challenge. 🙂