Eighteen: Chai. Life

Eighteen means Chai. And Chai means life.

Today was the last day of my peace. My alone time.

Ran into him twice. Coincidence? I think not.  I think not because I was only out and about twice today.  This was a man who was doing his best to put himself in front of me.

I sit here thinking tonight about acceptance and boundaries. I accept that he is a person who is disordered. I can not change this about him. I accept that we want different things. I accept that he is selfish and self absorbed and quite frankly a narcissist.  I can not change this, nor fix that.

I also know that there are parts of him that I do enjoy.   Mostly golf and getting a drink together.  But the rest of it…namely the sex does not work for me.  I am not a friends with benefits girl and I have no reason to compromise myself in that regard. It does not satisfy me in any way that I can not take care of on my own. And it leaves me feeling less than happy about myself.

I have never been strong on boundaries. Which explains why that relationship was as toxic as it was.  And just because it became toxic does not mean it has to remain toxic for me. I can take care of myself with healthy boundaries. I do not have to be subject to exploitation.

He is not someone I can trust with my well being. He does not have my back. He has his own back and no one else’s. I have to have my own back…and that means setting boundaries.

  • It is not in my best interests to share myself physically, if it is not both physically and emotionally satisfying for me.
  • I am who I am.  I like to connect with people on an emotional level.  I do not need to welcome someone into my personal life out of obligation or out of having a history together. Or share my feelings with them.
  • I do not need to settle for poor treatment or lies or someone else’s agenda.

So I will enjoy the things I enjoy about him.  I will remember that it’s okay to have boundaries, and I will not fear losing anyone in my life because of them.  I have to have my back on my own life.  I do not have to settle…something that comes with self worth.

The universe sends signs.  I ran into the disordered one twice. I ran into Larry, once and had a really nice time with him…great open and honest conversations. I struck up a conversation with Greg and made a new friend there. These people were put in my path for a reason. I had a productive day around the house. I had a nice afternoon with Cathy. I’m having a wonderful night on the porch, relaxing.  I am doing exactly what it is that pleases me, without being disrespectful to anyone and in remaining true to myself. If someone does not have the capacity to be true and honest, that is their problem and not mine.

This was a really nice long weekend for me. Life is good and fulfilling.

Chai. Eighteen.

Shalom!!

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