Last night I laid in bed with Jack, sharing a king sized hotel bed for our last summer tournament trip. I just looked at him. So peacefully sleeping. He’s too old to be snuggling with, but I happily laid there near him taking it all in. I thought to myself that this is probably one of the last times I will share a bed with him. I was brought back to one of my favorite memories:
Jack was in a pre-school program where most of the children his age were past diapers. We had been working on getting him past diapers too. The era of “I wanna be a big boy”. I really can’t remember if that was a difficult chore or not, but the one thing I do remember is that he still slept in them at night. He was about 2 1/2 years old.
Some nights he would sleep with me in the guest room. I loved snuggling up with him, smelling his baby-ness and innocence and listening to his sounds. Who can do anything BUT sleep well next to that? I can remember one night having my hand on his crinkly sounding, padded diapered baby tush and thinking “He’ll be done with diapers soon. Another sweet stage of baby-ness will be gone.”
The very next morning he woke up and told me “no more diapers”. That was it. He was done. And I was so grateful that I had gotten the very last chance to fully appreciate another of the stages in his life. I remember it often, like it was just yesterday.
I have about a year before he is off to college. Do I need to say more on this?
Tonight I am processing a few things after having been away a few days. The universe has given me a giant helping hand when it comes to removing Mr. Ridiculous from my life. Several times. Those helping hands have been a gift. Probably the second best gift next to Jack (which is something I will have to tell you about…someday). I have been aware and open to signs. I know there are some that I have missed. I know there are many more to cum 🙂 (Cum is the more orgasmic form of just plain ol’ vanilla come, btw.)
The two things I struggle with are this:
- Feeling like I have to get him to see and understand how abusive and selfish he was/is. As if suddenly he’d have this ah-ha moment and become a human. Yeah, not happening.
- Feeling like I have to forgive him to make myself a bigger and better person.
I came across something interesting tonight for myself. (Cause I’m working on me, not him.) The word: unburdening.
I understand unburdening as a letting-go process. That is, letting go of the power the trauma has over a person, expressing and releasing anger and other strong emotions about what happened without criticism or expectation of what needs to come next.
I do not have to forgive him. At all. I need to let go of the power his abuse has on me. Unburden myself from it.
In perfect timing…..Jack came out on the porch with me while he waited for one of his gal pals to pick him up to cruise around town. (Told him if he happened to cruise into an ice cream store, butter pecan, it would be greatly appreciated 🙂 )
And after he left another sign from the universe:
A monarch butterfly just flew onto my porch. He freaked out because he could not find his way out from under the roof. This is how I have been living. It took him about a good minute before he relaxed enough to slow down, lower himself from the roof and fly out between the pillars. That is what I am doing now. Relaxing, slowing down, taking myself off the ceiling and seeing the universe through the pillars.
Butterflies are deep and powerful representations of life. Many cultures associate the butterfly with our souls. The Christian religion sees the butterfly as a symbol of resurrection. Around the world, people view the butterfly as representing endurance, change, hope, and life. There is no doubt the butterfly has significant meanings to us.
First time I can remember ever seeing a buttefly around this house 🙂
Getting a snack and going to watch a movie.